Some rest

The past few weeks i have been quiet over here but i took some rest. We finally know what caused all the problems and now i just need to let my body detox from all the insuline. It was indeed an insuline allergy which caused all the commotion in my body and i am no longer allowed to take it. In a week i am getting a new medicine to control my diabetes and i do hope my body will adjust to it. So i will take up blogging here again slowly.
Finished the cowl for my mother in law and i have started making one for myself. Will post a picture soon.

Positive

With so many sad things going on in the world and my personal life i do refuse to let it define me. My true nature is quite positive and even in times of depression i can still crack a joke or enjoy beautiful things. The possibility for me to create has grown to a minimum in the past few years but still i love to look at nature or to see what others have created. I am happy that i have never lost that ability. The only problem that is has caused is that i now have a major list of things that i still want to crochet, knit or sew. Hmmmm, well, that is not the worst thing in the world is it now?

19 kilo's

In total i gained 19 kilo's. 19 kilo's in two weeks! Last week on Monday i was at the doctor and there i had gained 12 kilo's. On Friday i had gained an extra 7 kilo's. I was at the A&E at the hospital, they took my blood, had me having a CT scan. All that showed that i do not have a tumor, there seems to be nothing wrong with my heart, no fluids. Nothing out of the ordinary. The iv line was removed from my arm and i was allowed to go home. Now what? In the car driving home i got to thinking of my insuline, i have been using it since the start of January and my body has not liked it one bit. Tried a few different ones, on gives me pain during the injection and the hours after and others gave me allergic reactions. So i went back to the one that gave me pain but no other problems. I decided to stop injecting myself for a few days. So, i should have taken one of Friday round eight pm. and i did not. Round 10 pm i noticed that the tightness on my chest had gone and i no longer had the feeling as if someone was trying to push my ribs apart. That was already an improvement. Ofcourse i had instructed my husband what to do if i needed it anyway.
On Sunday i got a blessing at church, not getting a direct confirmation that everything would be resolved soon but that i would have to hand my problems over to Heavenly Father and that He would support me. Yesterday, on Monday, i noticed that i am starting to feel different, as if a veil has been lifted from my mind. The fog round my head that i have felt for so long is disappearing. My husband has noticed and today in a phone conversation with a manager at work he noticed it as well. 'You sound a lot more clearer than you have done in the past few months'.
I went to the GP this morning, i have lost one kilo since Friday, my belly is not as bloated as it was last Friday but a new appointment has been made for me for next week in hospital. I am not letting it rest.

Relief?

Going to hospital this afternoon, still do not know what is going to happen and what will be done. Belly has grown again, when my husband and i wanted to kiss good night last night in the hallway the first thing he felt was my belly :( If i do need to stay i have two books to read. Jambusters and A girl called Jack. Hope they are as nice as i expect them to be.

Scary

Since bumpie grew this weekend i contacted the doctor's office. They wanted to see me as soon as possible so ten minutes later i was there already. The doctor ofcourse prodded and investigated and called the surgeon of me, especially after we found out that in ten days time i had gained 12 kilo's. Now i have an appointment for coming Thursday in the afternoon. I really do not know what is going on but i am starting to get scared and i do not easily get scared when it gets to my health. We'll see. I have asked for a blessing for the sick in the coming days, since my husband is not a member of the church i cannot ask it of him.

Now really starting to feel it

Bumpy woke me up during the night, it felt as if i was lying on something hard. It was just bumpy :( Ah well, we'll see. Been working on my mother in laws scarf. Every little block has been connected to another one and now i have crocheted the first round, nine more left to go. Picture will follow later

Still a mess now

Engelstalig

Ik schrijf haast automatisch in het Engels, zal de eerdere posts ook vertalen wanneer ik daar aan toe kom

Plans for the future

Now with that thing growing inside of me it is normal that i start thinking of all the things that i have not done and still want to do. Nothing like a medical scare giving you a wake-up call. Been waiting for that one for ages it seems. So at the moment my mind wanders round constantly and there are two subjects coming back constantly. Faith and creativity. My faith was never getting less but now with this development i feel that my life is not in my own hands but in Heavenly Father's hands, so i am handing it over to Him and i am listening. Even when it now seems that my life is at a stand still i feel my determination grow and i do make some resolves. So it is not a question of 'Why me?' any longer, it is now 'Why not me' and growing because of that.
Next to that i am finally able to pick up my crochet hook again, not been able to do that for about 6 months because of my depression. The realization that i want to leave things behind, things that i have made, because some strong. This for years has been my favorite quote and now it is becoming true for me:
"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before'.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I want to leave my loved ones and many others with things that i have created. And i will, so today i will go on with a scarf for my mother in law!

Old dress

Looked up one of my old far too wide dresses this morning. Reason being that the jeans i wore yesterday were too tight! So getting fed up with this. I have wanted to hide for so long behind my looks, how heavy i was. Now i am not gaining weight just have a growing belly  and it is freaking me out. Hoping for a solution quite fast

Bumpy

Bumpy is what i have called the big bump that is growing on my belly, right side of my ribs. It started about two weeks ago, discovered it when it was the size of my hand. Now it has grown to two and a half hand sizes. Have had a sonogram already but that only showed it was not a hernia. But at the moment i just do not know what this half water melon sized growth on my body is. It presses down as well which causes all my trousers to be tight. A few weeks ago i was thinking of buying new trousers since they were much too wide and i had to pull them up constantly. This morning i was crying since i cannot fit one of my favorite ones over my lower belly. And i have not gained any weight.
So now i have to wait for an appointment with a surgeon on the 21st to see if he can find out what is wrong there. I can only pray and ask for prayers after hearing what my GP had to say to me this morning 'It is probably benign.' Not something that you, well at least i, wanted to hear.

WIP

This scarf if one of the first things that i am going to finish before the end of summer. Actually looking forward to wearing it.

I have made that one before, i will finish it off like this since i do not have the cotton i need to finish it off properly. Might give it away as a present. After that i will start a new one for my own home. In the past, about 15 years ago i have made it for my grandmother as well but never valued myself enough to actually make one for myself.

Making a blanket for my niece's granddaughter. It has to be completely pink. Wanted to have it finished a few months ago but when depression hits hard it was the last thing that i wanted to be working on. Too cheery for that moment. Going to finish it in the coming weeks.

Healing rain - well it is fitting, it has been raining all day

Sometimes there are songs that you have heard for years and only now do they land in your heart instead of only in your head. And when they land in your heart they land with a big thump, jolting you awake. That has just happened to me with 'Healing Rain' by Michael W Smith.

'Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's name'

I have been afraid of never being good enough, that trying my hardest was never enough and so i never did. Let things happen because i was too afraid to stand out, to live as i wanted. That moment has passed now, i am washed in heaven's name.

'Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher'

My heart and soul need cleaning, to wash away the grime and hurt. The fear to be gone and for my life to start over again, letting me grow. I am no longer afraid.

'Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid..'

Birthday

It's my birthday. I have turned 43 today. The coming year will be my year, i will work hard on it. Started with making a green juice containing a big head of lettuce from Wilma's garden, white grapes, two cucumbers, sellery and four pears. I think i have about two liters of it (already finished about three quarters of it). I now weigh 133 kilo's, i used to weigh 222. So lost 90 kilo's already over the past four years, took my time for it. The coming year i will want to lose 60 kilo's to shed my weight and no longer wanting to hide behind it.

Het is mijn verjaardag. Ik ben vandaag 43 jaar geworden. Het komende jaar wordt mijn jaar, ik ga er hard aan werken. Ben begonnen met het maken van een groene juice met daarin een flinke krop sla van Wilma's tuin. witte druiven, twee komkommers, sellery en vier peren. Ik denk dat ik ongeveer twee liter heb gemaakt (op dit moment heb ik drie kwart al op). Ik weeg op dit moment 133 kilo, ik woog ooit 222 kilo. Dus zo'n 90 kilo verloren over de afgelopen vier jaar, ik heb er de tijd voor genomen. Het komende jaar wil ik nog 60 kilo kwijt. Niet langer wil ik nog zo zwaar zijn en me achter mijn gewicht verbergen.

New beginnings

The beauty of life is that you can start over. Starting over with the knowledge of what you have done before and what has gone wrong or could be done better. This is me starting over, looking for a new beginning. Turning 43 in two days and i have the feeling that life is still before me, to be explored, experienced and enjoyed. This is my new start, my new life unfolding. An adventure.

De schoonheid van het leven is dat je overnieuw kunt beginnen. Weer opnieuw beginnen met het besef van wat je eerder gedaan hebt, wat fout is gegaan of wat beter kan. Dit ben ik en ik begin opnieuw, ik kijk tegen een nieuw begin aan. Over twee dagen word ik 43 en ik heb het gevoel dat de rest van mijn leven nog steeds voor me ligt, dat ik het mag ontdekken, ondergaan en van mag genieten. Dit is mijn nieuwe start, mijn nieuwe leven dat zich ontvouwt. Een avontuur.