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Ik schrijf haast automatisch in het Engels, zal de eerdere posts ook vertalen wanneer ik daar aan toe kom

Plans for the future

Now with that thing growing inside of me it is normal that i start thinking of all the things that i have not done and still want to do. Nothing like a medical scare giving you a wake-up call. Been waiting for that one for ages it seems. So at the moment my mind wanders round constantly and there are two subjects coming back constantly. Faith and creativity. My faith was never getting less but now with this development i feel that my life is not in my own hands but in Heavenly Father's hands, so i am handing it over to Him and i am listening. Even when it now seems that my life is at a stand still i feel my determination grow and i do make some resolves. So it is not a question of 'Why me?' any longer, it is now 'Why not me' and growing because of that.
Next to that i am finally able to pick up my crochet hook again, not been able to do that for about 6 months because of my depression. The realization that i want to leave things behind, things that i have made, because some strong. This for years has been my favorite quote and now it is becoming true for me:
"The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before'.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I want to leave my loved ones and many others with things that i have created. And i will, so today i will go on with a scarf for my mother in law!

Old dress

Looked up one of my old far too wide dresses this morning. Reason being that the jeans i wore yesterday were too tight! So getting fed up with this. I have wanted to hide for so long behind my looks, how heavy i was. Now i am not gaining weight just have a growing belly  and it is freaking me out. Hoping for a solution quite fast

Bumpy

Bumpy is what i have called the big bump that is growing on my belly, right side of my ribs. It started about two weeks ago, discovered it when it was the size of my hand. Now it has grown to two and a half hand sizes. Have had a sonogram already but that only showed it was not a hernia. But at the moment i just do not know what this half water melon sized growth on my body is. It presses down as well which causes all my trousers to be tight. A few weeks ago i was thinking of buying new trousers since they were much too wide and i had to pull them up constantly. This morning i was crying since i cannot fit one of my favorite ones over my lower belly. And i have not gained any weight.
So now i have to wait for an appointment with a surgeon on the 21st to see if he can find out what is wrong there. I can only pray and ask for prayers after hearing what my GP had to say to me this morning 'It is probably benign.' Not something that you, well at least i, wanted to hear.

WIP

This scarf if one of the first things that i am going to finish before the end of summer. Actually looking forward to wearing it.

I have made that one before, i will finish it off like this since i do not have the cotton i need to finish it off properly. Might give it away as a present. After that i will start a new one for my own home. In the past, about 15 years ago i have made it for my grandmother as well but never valued myself enough to actually make one for myself.

Making a blanket for my niece's granddaughter. It has to be completely pink. Wanted to have it finished a few months ago but when depression hits hard it was the last thing that i wanted to be working on. Too cheery for that moment. Going to finish it in the coming weeks.

Healing rain - well it is fitting, it has been raining all day

Sometimes there are songs that you have heard for years and only now do they land in your heart instead of only in your head. And when they land in your heart they land with a big thump, jolting you awake. That has just happened to me with 'Healing Rain' by Michael W Smith.

'Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's name'

I have been afraid of never being good enough, that trying my hardest was never enough and so i never did. Let things happen because i was too afraid to stand out, to live as i wanted. That moment has passed now, i am washed in heaven's name.

'Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher'

My heart and soul need cleaning, to wash away the grime and hurt. The fear to be gone and for my life to start over again, letting me grow. I am no longer afraid.

'Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid..'

Birthday

It's my birthday. I have turned 43 today. The coming year will be my year, i will work hard on it. Started with making a green juice containing a big head of lettuce from Wilma's garden, white grapes, two cucumbers, sellery and four pears. I think i have about two liters of it (already finished about three quarters of it). I now weigh 133 kilo's, i used to weigh 222. So lost 90 kilo's already over the past four years, took my time for it. The coming year i will want to lose 60 kilo's to shed my weight and no longer wanting to hide behind it.

Het is mijn verjaardag. Ik ben vandaag 43 jaar geworden. Het komende jaar wordt mijn jaar, ik ga er hard aan werken. Ben begonnen met het maken van een groene juice met daarin een flinke krop sla van Wilma's tuin. witte druiven, twee komkommers, sellery en vier peren. Ik denk dat ik ongeveer twee liter heb gemaakt (op dit moment heb ik drie kwart al op). Ik weeg op dit moment 133 kilo, ik woog ooit 222 kilo. Dus zo'n 90 kilo verloren over de afgelopen vier jaar, ik heb er de tijd voor genomen. Het komende jaar wil ik nog 60 kilo kwijt. Niet langer wil ik nog zo zwaar zijn en me achter mijn gewicht verbergen.